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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 18, 2014 9:16am-9:48am PDT

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." thank you for joining us. my name is jon stewart. tonight's guest, actress emma
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stone is going to join us. a couple actors talking. all right. one actor talking. [laughter] but first, the real question is this: what time is it? did you really just shout "party time"? you didn't recognize i'm setting up a bit of a routine here? [laughter] just got out of college, just a reflex. what time is it? party time! a little bit quiet now. a little bit quiet now. you may be thinking to yourself, time have the tv on in the background while i have sex. wrong! [laughter] nothing else? i'm not even going to tell you what time it is. i'm going to let my friend sarah
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do it for me. >> the many impeachable offenses of hannah baumgartner can -- barack obama can no longer be ignored. so it's time to impeach. >> jon: it's time to impeach. actually, i think it's time to stop checking sarah palin's facebook page, but she posts such cute pictures of baby gun. [laughter] well, since clicking on that page there already caused facebook to change all my pop-up ads to snow machine and moose clubbing products, let's stay with it. >> enough is enough of the years of abuse from this president, his unsecured border crisis, for me it's the last straw. it makes kind of the battered wife say, no mas. [audience reacts] >> jon: now, if i may, it appears ex-governor palin is
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finally finished with mangling the english language and has moved on the making spanish incomprehensible. she's like a serial killer of language. or whatever the opposite of a rosetta stone is. anyway, the point is this: her point is the real victim of children fleeing violence in central america is latina sarah palin. it might be easier to dismis this call for impeachment as just another serving of sarah palin's word sausages. it's not for the fact that people who didn't quit their elected office mid-term are echoing it. >> impeach him. >> tell me how the impeach the president of the united states. >> it would be a dream come true. >> there isn't a weekend that hasn't gone by that someone says to me, michelle, what in the world are you all waiting for in congress? why aren't you impeaching the president. >> jon: and i'm like, bleep you. i'm eating. that's what i say. i'm at the olive garden. leave me alone.
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why don't you impeach him yourself you piece of [bleeped]. that's mijares shell bachmann impression. the truth is for most republicans, impeachment is probably too good. >> he declared himself king obama. >> this king complex. >> he's become a monarch. >> a dictatorship. >> tea partiers new in the colonies that king george's dictatorial methods wouldn't be tolerated. we won't tolerate them here. i'm randy weber and damn proud to be an american. [laughter] >> jon: why do i get the feeling he shouts that when he jizzes? [cheering and applause] i'm randy weber. i'm damn proud to be an -- oh, son of a bitch. oh, my country 'tis of thee,
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sweet land of liberty. [laughter] all right. [cheering and applause] >> i'm quite the acerbic social critic. [laughter] all right, wantdy remember, damn proud american, there i didn't realize the level of despotism of obama was so great. i'm convinced. let's rid ourselves of the tyrant. >> we do need to do this methodically and correctly and do it in the right way, so i don't think it's practical that we impeach him right now, but he definitely deserves it. >> wait. what? huh? but you just told me king george is proud to be an american. are you american randy weber or not? patrick henry didn't say, give me liberty or if not now, it's
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fine, i understand. we're busy. come on! don't tell me you can't squeeze one little tyrant impeachment into your busy schedule of not passing laws. [laughter] what's really going on here? >> i they gets to be a bit of a distraction, just like the impeachment of bill clinton did. >> nothing would fire up the base of the democrats more than an impeachment action. it would turn off some of the independents who are right now leaning our way. >> jon: and all that is how you know all this talk of tyranny is bull [bleeped]. because when your main concern about deposing a tyrant is how it will affect your party's chances in the upcoming mid-term elections, that's not tyranny. [laughter] apparently republicans can't impeach obama. they can't beat him in an election. they definitely can't work with him. what's left do? use snapchat to draw a dong on
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his face? if it will make you feel better. but, whoa, swipe it to the left. but there's got to be something more effective than impeachment, something more fundamentally american. >> speaker of the house john boehner said he plans to sue the obama administration on behalf of the g.o.p.-controlled congress. >> really? you think this is going to fly in court? really? [laughter] let me tell you something. all president obama has to do is throw his briefcase down unexpectedly. you turn your neck. case dismissed. boom. thank you, mike brady, attorney at law. i'm old. [laughter] but enough talk. let's get to the action. what are we suing obama for. do you have fast and furious, the benghazi, the floating muslim terrorist blimp?
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oops. >> the suit has to do with the president's executive orderer in 2013 postponing the mandate in the affordable care act that requires large employers to provide health insurance to their employees. >> jon: wait. let me get this straight. the g.o.p. is going to take down our dictator in chief with a civil suit accusing him of not properly executing a law they themselves have tried more than 50 times to partly or completely repeal? you know what, i'll take it. whether this lawsuit has any merit, whether it's a good check on executive power, i don't know. i don't have any idea. but at least for the first time the two sides will be forced to deal with each other. even if it's through their lawyers. finally we the people will be represented by our elected representatives' legal representation. as the founding fathers envisioned, when they were tripping on mushrooms.
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we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] the cadillac summer collection is here. ♪ ♪ during the cadillac summer's best event, lease this 2014 ats for around $299 a month and make this the summer of style. ♪
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oh, hi there bill. hey! are you in town for another meeting? yup, i brought my a-team. make the most of the weekend before it's gone. this is my family. this is joe. hi joe! hi there! be a weekender and book your stay at hampton. feel the hamptonality.
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is the natually refreshing liway to enjoy your meals.ea it's the flavour we all savour, does any food a favour. gotta be more tea! tea-riffic liption. be more tea. muppets most wanted, on blu-ray and digital august 12th. [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome back. as i mentioned earlier, i am randy weber... [laughter] you know, the strength of our military is the brave men and women who serve in it.
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those who are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to defend their country, and black women have hair. now, those two things may not seem connected to you, but jessica williams explains. >> the u.s. army recently released a new set of uniform regulation, ar670-1, which, among other things, limit options for black women's hairstyles, prompting one black service woman to respond, oh, no, they didn't, in the form of a whitehouse.gov petition which received over 17,000 signatures. sergeant jasmine jacobs. >> the new regulations are basically stating that the current hairstyles set for black females are now unauthorized, such as two-strand twist, neatly kept dreadlock, flas twist and basically almost any natural hairstyle. >> whoa, whoa, whoa. okay. we're throwing around a lot of words here. let's take a second and let the white people catch up. [laughter] okay. you know what, they're never going to catch up.
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white people, these are the hairstyles the army has banned. >> two-strand twist. >> twists are just twisted hair. >> neatly kept dreadlocks. >> that's when black hair locks together. >> basically almost any natural hairstyle. >> natural means how our hair naturally grow, crazy, right? and these are the incredibly difficult hairstyles the army allowance, weaves sewn on the your head, microbraids that take forever, wigs, yeah, wig, and corn rows. i've seen you at miami myrtle b. you know what corn rows are. basically the hairstyles the army allows cost a ton of money and put you in salon for hours. >> i first heard i was in panic. >> you probably were stressed because you want to look fly. >> it doesn't have anything to do with looking fly. you have to collision accomplish your mission. the hairstyles are costly and time consuming and get in the way of you doing your job properly. >> but some people in the military think sergeant jacobs
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has stepped out of line, like thomas cheever. he's got some much-need advice for black service women. >> soldier, it's time to suck it up. they're called uniform regulations so people look uniform. >> everyone should look totally the same, to look at will ford brimley or beyonce's prettier sister. there are safety issues, whether it be helmet, a gas mask, aboxygen mask for an aviator and things of that nature must fit properly. >> so you need to be able to put on a gas mask. >> like this? >> yes. >> and you need to have an approved hairstyle? >> correct. >> like a wig, like this? well, let's try to put this on and this on right now and see how it feels. go ahead. >> presumably the wig would already be on. okay, well, that's minus one demerit. meeting a white standard of beauty can give you a three
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stooges standard of combat redness. >> was that battle ready hair? >> no. >> so why change the regulations now? it's funny, back when the army was fighting two wars, they need black women. now they can afford to be pickier. >> these new regulations could deter black females from joining the military because it's like, you're good enough to go to iraq and risk your life, but you're not good enough to wear your hair the way it naturally grows. >> what if you were awarded with a purple scalp? >> i don't want a purple scalp. i think they need to educate themselves about the complexity of black hair. they're not aware and didn't feel a need to find out about it. >> we need someone to educate and inspire not just the military but the entire country. someone who can raise awareness. >> right. that's what i've been trying do with my petition. >> no, not you, somebody with magnetic personality, a talented tv person. luckily i knew just the person. it was go time.
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come with me if you want to live. in an army we've got a lot of pissed-off black ladies. let's commence with operation black purr. oil, palm aid, these are tools of the trade, things you need to know. a recon mission to uncover just what it takes to make black hair army ready. >> i need do you talk to him about what's going on with this and don't say because you have native american grandma. know it. respect it. >> this is extension, hair extensions. >> does it hurt? >> does it hurt? >> yeah, yeah, it hurts. >> this is relaxer. it will lay your bleep out. you're going to sit her and watch her get her braids done. it's going to take four hours. okay. don't look at me. eyes on target. this is not a 20-minute crewcut. this is boots on the ground, hands in the hair, all damn day. but was this working? what is this? >> relaxer. >> what does do it in >> lay your [bleeped] out. >> you is surprised me today. >> yes, ma'am.
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i'm wearing a blind fold, not earplugs. please. >> mission accomplished. one white guy is probably convinced. but uh couldn't stop there. i had to take this message of inspiration to the entire nation. i have a weave. i have a weave that we be judge not by what grows out of our head but by the contents within it. i have been to the beauty shop. damn, you still not done with them braids? [bleeped]. [bleeped]. [laughter] >> jon: jessica williams. we'll be right back. very nice. [robotic sounds] guess what? i'm not a real human man. but i use old spice body wash and deodorant together and now i'm really cool. i got it, dudes. oww! i think you crushed some of my ribs. mmmm, you smell amazing. thank you. i'd get off of you, but i can't get up. maybe i don't want you to.
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[cheering and applause] >> welcome back. my gust tonight, a new film is called "magic in the moonlight." >> and when you contact the spirits, will we be able to see the souls, and how are they different from ghosts? or are they ghosts? >> i should think souls are quite different? >> have you ever heard of extoe plasm. >> extoe plasm. is that a milky substance rather like yogurt? >> you are a joker, aren't you? >> you're saying it might look like yogurt, but it will be her former husband? >> please welcome emma stone. [cheering and applause] >> jon: what's going on? >> what's happening. >> jon: nothing. nothing at all. everybody's very excited to have
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emma stone in the house. >> really? >> jon: emma stone's kind of... [cheering and applause] >> thank you. >> jon: i'm talking about even amongst the staff. sometimes we'll have a guest on. you know who is on tonight. i'll say the name, and they'll saying, yeah, that's nice. >> did you know someone on your staff made me a scarf? >> jon: made you a scarf? >> yeah. >> jon: out of what? >> >> knitted me a scarf out of baby alpaca wool. it is so beautiful and i heard up after she left. >> jon: wow. >> so i'm going to go backstage and say thanks. has she ever made you a scarf? >> jon: no. i've been here 16 years. baby alpacka. i once had a guy that looked like i guess lizard skin. it was made like a ball, found it under his desk. >> jon: that's really nice. i know who that is. that's... beth. she makes beautiful scarves. sometimes she makes hats. >> it's a gorgeous infinity scarf you can wrap around your neck and keep you warm forever.
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>> jon: the scarf is a very delicate thing to pull off. >> knitting in general is a very delicate thing to pull off. >> jon: you're talking about making it. i was talking about wearing it. >> for man, it's complicated. >> it's complicated. >> you can throw a scarf on with pretty much everything. i could be wearing a scarf right now. >> jon: i was thinking to myself, it's the one thing missing from your outfit. [laughter] do you like a gentleman in a scarf, because a generalman in a scarf, unless he is, what is the opposite of that, a short jew. let's say he's a short jew, you don't pull it off as dashingly. it's a dashing accessory. >> it gives the suggestion. if you choose to wear a scarf, you must somewhere in you be slightly a or no a bonn vivant. >> jon: here's why i would
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wear it. i worry about tonsillitis. so there are other... there is a function it to, as well. >> just keeping everything warm. >> jon: i used to wear... i used to wear the turtleneck. [laughter] i just want to see if we can catch that on the close-up. the face she made, like that made her nauseous. that. right there. boom! let me ask you this on a purely... this is sociological, on a date, like a first date, the worst thing that a guy has ever worn or that would be discussed, the worst thing to wear when joining a young lady on date, would scarf be something like that? would bit something like that, like a pork pie hat? what would be the worst thing, the pork pie... >> probably not a shirt. >> jon: so if you're saying, if somebody goes big you, don't want any part of that? >> i think maybe a not shirt.
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>> jon: has that ever happened to any of your friends your? >> i don't think anyone's ever should be up with a not shirt on. >> jon: you might as well just write in magic marker, i'm a bro. >> full bro, dude. >> jon: on all this stuff. by the way, we should talk about movie. the movie is... you've filmed it. >> yes. with cameras and... >> jon: they did the whole thing. they edited it. it's always, listen, body allen's film, i can't discuss it because of all the things that go along with it, but always entertaining film, prolific and very good. was it enjoyable to perform in it? >> it was. >> jon: colin firth has been on the program many times. there's a guy who can wear a scarf. >> he could wear a not shirt. [cheering and applause] >> you know what's nice about me, i'm not trying to toot my
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own horn, i'm just saying, i could get away with not wearing a shirt, and i'll tell you why, my body is so hairy, they would come in and you would just see like, oh, mirng that's interesting. so that... >> it's perpetual no shirt. >> jon: let's see the nauseous face again. that's not good. now, you living in the city now? >> i'm living in the city. i'm living in the city and i'm around. >> jon: you're around. >> i'll run into you. >> jon: then we can pretend we don't know each other. [laughter] >> i think that's happened to us once before. >> i ran into her and a gentleman with a dog and i was like, hey, what's going on. i remember that, and then i thought, oh, i should have brought my dog and then i wouldn't have looked like a crazy person yelling. so did i ever apologize for that? >> apologize for running in. >> jon: for accosting you on
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the street when you had a dog with you. >> i don't think you accosted us. >> . >> jon: that's very kind of you. >> i would never think you saying hi would be accosting. >> jon: i'm sorry. don't even... i'm going to knit you a whole outfit. [cheering and applause] "magic in the moonlight" is in the select cities july 25th. opens everywhere in august. so pleasing. emma stone, thank you. [cheering and applause] son: dad, this is a remix. it's the new red white & blue slam. same thing. hmm-mm. this has blueberries, strawberries and cream cheese icing. you don't know what you're talking about. yup, he loved to say that, too. [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! how cool is it that new lets us create our own pizza. and use delicious digiorno toppings like pepperoni, sausage, and peppers. and we made it look just like... billy?! i don't see it.
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>> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> your running mate, sarah palin, she's calling for his impeachment. what do you think of that? >> well, i don't agree. i think that we should focus our attention on winning elections. captioning sponsored by (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen